she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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