At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
