They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
