Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
