JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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