I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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