woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
