How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
