I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
