Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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