Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
