Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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