I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
