good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
MIDGETS
????
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
