He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
