The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize