I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
