Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
