He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
