I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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