Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
