The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
