How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
