I should be sponsored by Trojan
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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