i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
