Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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