Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize