I want you more than these girls want KFC
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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