I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
