I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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