I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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