Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
