She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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