Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
