Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize