He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
