She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
