im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
