hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
