My Higher Power is John Stamos
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My ass is underappreciated
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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