I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
