my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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