just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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