im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
