So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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