i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize