the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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