You can't motorboat a personality
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
it's like iHOP with fire
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
