i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
