It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
