and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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