I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just high enough for therapy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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