Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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