I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
