Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
