She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
