my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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